THE NEW GM HELPLINE |
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General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive. Imagine if they did ... HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!" HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?" Customer: "What's an ignition?" HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine." Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?" HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!" HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?" Customer: "Huh? How do I know?" HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?" Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?" HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you." Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!" HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Your cars suck!" HelpLine: "What's wrong?" Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!" HelpLine: "What were you doing?" Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!" HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?" Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!" HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?" Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes and power door locks." HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?" Customer: "How do I work it?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "Do I know how to what?" HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?" Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!" The Perils of... CHEWing TOBACKEE ' National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 46 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!" Only the states of Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and Florida were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were, "Hold my beer and watch this." The sheriff of the small Midwest town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe the sheriff stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!" The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through." Medicated... A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'" Lee jumped up from the card table white with rage. "Stop this game!" he shouted. "Pauly is cheating!" "How do you know that?" asked his partner. "He's not playing the hand I dealt him!" screamed Lee. A young woman is widowed after only a few years of marriage, and it is not long before her friends begin to ask her if she is thinking of marrying again. "Right now, no," the young woman answers. "I've hardly begun to enjoy using the remote control."
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