An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500."|
He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed and a corrected bill arrived:
"Greens Fee: $200."
It was last Wednesday night, and I was sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang.
"Hello?" I said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
I live by myself, and my name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was bored.
I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."
On the border of Kentucky and Tennessee there's a small forest. Half of the forest belongs to a Kentucky farmer, while the other half belongs to a Tennessee man.
One day, while out for a walk in the woods, the Tennessee man comes across a wolf caught in a trap. He rushes back to his house and calls his Kentucky neighbor.
"There's one of your wolves caught in a trap on my side of the forest."
"How do you know it's one of *our* wolves?" the Kentucky farmer asked.
"Well," the Tennessee man replied, "he's already chewed off three of his legs and he's still trapped."
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
"I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job."
"Yes," says the man.
"Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that."
"Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter."
"The old perfesser's heart stopped while he was taking a bath last week," MrsPerfesser was telling Verniece. "So I threw the toaster in the tub and saved his life. "
On the wall in the men's room: 'MrsPerfesser Follows Me Everywhere.'
Written just below it: 'I Do Not!'