Three prisonors are captured in the war and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal. The Italian asks for
Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.|
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries. The captors are supprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?"
"But they are out of season!"
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "DAMN! That's the ugliest baby I've EVER seen!"
In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. She fumed for a few stops and started getting really worked up. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.
"The bus driver insulted me!" she fumed.
The man sympathized and said, "Hey! He's a public servant and he shouldn't say things to insult the passengers."
"You're right!" she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."
"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey!"
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her arm was an oyster and inside it was a pearl worth $50,000... please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
A couple trying to break into society hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid-section. The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage.
As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."
The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.
"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."
How Many Women Can a Man Marry?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How did you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the preacher said, 'Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer.'"
A New York family bought a ranch out west where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
"Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J, my wife favored the Suzy-Q, one son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But, where are all your cattle?"
"So far, none have survived the branding."