A Jewish grandmother
A Jewish lady's grandson is playing in the water, she is standing on the beach not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly over the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there. He simply vanished.|
She holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries, "Lord, how Could you? Have I not been a wonderful grandmother? Have I not been a wonderful mother? Have I not given to B'nai B'rith? Have I not given to Haddasah? Have I not lit candles every Friday night at dusk? Have I not tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?"
A loud voice booms from the sky, "Okay, okay!"
A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The loud voice booms again "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."
Tower:N2234, are you a Cessna?
Pilot:No, I'm a male hispanic.
Radar:Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.
Pilot:Roger, but we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?
Radar:Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?
One day, John Smith decided to go to a new golf course where no one knew him, just to get away and see if he could do better elsewhere. He hired a caddy to guide him around the course. After another day of slices, duff shots, misread putts and bad temper, he was obviously upset. He turned to the caddy and said, "You know I must be the worst golfer in the world."
The caddy replied, "I think not sir, I have heard there is a guy named John Smith from across town who is the worst player ever!"
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.
The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertiliser on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
THE BEST RUM CAKE EVER
1 or 2 quarts rum
1 cup butter
1 tsp. suger
2 large eggs
1 cup dried fruit
1 tsp. soda
Before you start, sample the Rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now go ahead and select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the Rum again . . . it must be just right. To be sure the Rum is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of Rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. REPEAT ...
With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspeen of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the Rum is of the finest quality. Try another cup. Open a second quart if necessary.
Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter).
Sample the Rum again.
Sift 1/2 pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 babblespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mel.
Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour the whole mess into the coven and ake. Check the Rum again! . . .