A Trucker's Breakfast
A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, "Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights."|
Bewildered he goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, "I think this guy's in the wrong store, look at what he ordered!"
The cook says, "He wants 3 pancakes & 2 eggs sunny-side up."
The waiter takes a bowl of beans to the trucker.
He looks at it and growls, "What's this? I didn't order this!"
The young man tells him, "The cook says that while you're waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!"
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."
English comedian John Cleese, of Monty Python fame, was asked to describe the difference between British and American people. In reply Cleese said that there were three basic differences from the British viewpoint:
1. "We speak English and you don't."
2. "When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries to play, as well."
3. "When you meet the head of state in Great Britain, you only have to go down on one knee."
A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, "How about a date later?"
"I'm married," she answered.
With a wink he said, "So, just tell him you're going out with your girlfriends."
"Tell him yourself," she said, "he's shaving you."
Adding it up
Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"
Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."
"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.
"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
A customer moves away from a Bank till, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!"
Cashier: "Sir, you stepped away from the counter. There's nothing I can do about it now."
Customer: "Well, okay. Just thought you'd like to know you gave me ten dollars too much."
Where Would Men Be Without Women?
A women's lib speaker was addressing a large group and said, "Where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
She paused a moment and looked around the room.
"I repeat, where would man be today if it were not for woman?"
From the back of the room came a voice, "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries."