Just Blowing Smoke
A guy traveling through the prairies of the USA stopped at a small town and went to a bar. He stood at the end of the bar, ordered a drink, and lit up a cigar. As he sipped his drink, he stood there quietly blowing smoke rings.|
After he blew nine or ten smoke rings into the air, an angry American Indian stomped up to him and said, "One more remark like that and I'll whip your butt!"
"You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" asked the judge.
Jill the blonde says, "Yes, your honor."
The judge, looking at the petition, says, "I can see why, Miss... Jill Shitferbrains, is it?"
"Yes, your honor," says Jill.
"And what do you want to change your name to, Miss Shitferbrains?" asked the judge.
Jill replies, "Louise, your honor."
One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck and her son, Little George, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other. He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans.
Thinking it over, Little George could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing. The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.
The next day, the church secretary, Jane, called Little George's mother and said, "Esther, your beans were delicious as usual but what did you put in them this time?"
Ester replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"
"Well," said Jane, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary..."
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got shit-faced."
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will marry my mother next year."
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my mother!"
The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you b*stards please pass the salt?"
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says,....................
"Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints.
"Doc," he said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember nothin' besides."
Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, "Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it."
"Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the next time that your memory is acting up, just take the other pill."
And the old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did hear no trouble from him much after that.